Christmas 2005

We attended a few adoption meetings and got the advice to not "wait". It was hard to do, but we had to continue to live our life and not "wait". I will say it was easier said than done, by far. We decided that we should publicly announce that we were certified to adopt and were looking to adopt. So, we took advantage of the Holiday's and sent out our yearly Christmas card and attached a letter stating that we were certified adoptive parents looking to adopt. We gave our email address, our profile address and all our contact information along with a picture.
Every night we prayed for our birthmother and that an adoption opportunity would come our way. We prayed that she would have the strength to make the right decision for her unborn baby. No we didn't know her, we just prayed for her.
Ryan was asking me what I wanted for Christmas and my only response was a baby in my stocking or a positive pregnancy test. I know that was hard and unrealistic, but that's all I wanted. Christmas was nearing and we were preparing to make our usual trip to California to be with our family for Christmas. A few days before we were leaving, I think it was actually the 22nd of December, we received a very unexpected phone call from LDS Family Services. Our caseworker called and said, I have some good news for you...you and Ryan are going to be parents!!! If you know me, you know my reaction. I screamed, cried and I think the caseworker was affraid I was hyperventilating (he even told me to breath in a bag, haha). I couldn't believe it...my dream was coming true and I was going to be a mommy, WOW!!! Ryan came running and quickly got on the phone. It was a Thursday afternoon and Ryan was home. We talked with our caseworker for quite some time. He gave us all the details and told us it was a boy. A boy, holy cow!! We were SO excited! Our caseworker said that she lives in Idaho and would like to meet with you over Christmas break, if possible. Of course, it was possible and if it wasn't we would make it anyway. As you could imagine the next few days were crazy. We went to California for Christmas and then the day after Christmas we drove up to Idaho, met with her the next day and then drove back. You, may ask why we didn't fly? well the flights were outragious and we loved driving and spending the time together. The visit was amazing. Our birthmother was beautiful and looked like she had a little basketball in her tummy. I couldn't stop stairing at her. She had just become my new idol. She was amazing in SO many ways. Our conversation came very easily. We brought her gorgeous flowers and had a wonderful chat. There was so much LOVE in the room, it was AMAZING. She told us she was due the middle of January and that we would just be in touch through email from here on out.
Ryan and I left glowing, we were on cloud 9! We couldn't believe it, we were going to be parents in 3 weeks!!! AaaHhhh, were we ready, ofcourse! We were so excited. We headed back to California and had a GREAT week with our family. We went to Disneyland, Knotts Berry Farm, Sea World and the beach. It was great. Ryan and I headed home on January 1 because we had to be back in the office on the 2nd. During the day on January 2nd we received a phone call stating that our birthmother was going to be induced on the 3rd due to a couple complications. What!! We thought we had a couple weeks to prepare and now we only have a couple days!?! Allright, this is great!! I called my aunt and said, we NEED to go shopping we are leaving tomorrow and we don't have a THING! She was so excited and Tuesday we were off shopping at Babies R Us. Oh, my goodness, it was SO much fun! We bought everything we would need for the first week and then we were home to pack. We received a call mid-day stating that he was born and was doing great! We were so excited! We sent flowers and the next day we were off with my dad and Ryan's mom to the airport. We all flew up to Salt Lake and drove into Rexbugh, Idaho. We were able to stay at Ryan's aunts house and it was a great place to be, with family. Thursday morning we were up and ready for placement. We were really nervous. We didn't know how to act, what to say, there were SO many emotions running through my body it was crazy. We were able to meet both families prior to placement and we even went to lunch with them. We fell in LOVE with them, what great people. I knew this had to be hard for ALL of them involved. I couldn't imagine. Our time came for placement. We went back to LDS Family Services and met with our caseworker. We talked with her for awhile and then the birthparents came in, I lost it. I just cried. As I said before, there were many emotions involved in this process. We gave lots of hugs, chatted and the emotions were high. I felt so inadaquate. I felt like I was taking "their" baby. I was affraid to be happy because they were both hurting. It was not easy. The spririt was strong and there was SO much LOVE in the room. I could only imagine what the birthparents were going through. Soon, the baby was brought in. He was adorable. I just LOVED his face. He was so tiny. Our birthmom made him a blanket and he was wrapped up in it, so soft and so cuddly. We talked with the birthparents for awhile and held our little guy. I just couldn't believe it, it was amazing! After they left we signed the necessary paperwork and then took our new little guy home. We walked in the door and our family went crazy! They all were so excited and fell in love with him just as quick as we did. Our night was amazing. I just layed in bed, held him and stared. He was so cute. He had this adorable little cry that sounded like a whale, it was so cute. We loved him SO much! We also loved the birthparents more than you could imagine for making the decision that they did for their little guy. Friday came and we just sat and starred at him ALL day. We all held him and were on cloud 9. Friday evening came and we recieved some not so good news. The birthmother did not go and reliquish her rights like she should have. The caseworker told us she was in contact with her and that it sounds like she just needs the weekend to think things over and that she probably would sign next week. Ya, you could only imagine how we felt. There are no words to describe it...horrible!!! We hardly slept that night. Saturday came and we tried to go to Ryan's friends house to get our mind off things and get out of the house. While we were visiting his friend the dreaded phone call came. The birthparents have changed their mind and would like to talk with us. What!?!!!! We knew this wasn't good. We rushed back to the house, dropped my dad, Ryan's mom off and our little guy and headed to the office. When we got there we spoke with the caseworker for a few minutes and she told us that they changed their mind and wanted the little guy back. Are you kidding me? We knew this could happen because she had not yet reliquished her rights, but LDSFS said that, very rarely has this ever happened. We could tell our caseworker was shocked and didn't really know what to do herself. We went about the meeting, met with the birthparents and they had definetly changed their minds. Shortly after the meeting we left and headed back to the house. Before we left we gave hugs and our best wishes to them and their new little baby. Ryan and I headed back to the house...dead silence in the car...walked in and the family knew that things were not right. We grabbed our little guy, changed his clothes gave him LOTS OF HUGS AND KISSES, told him we LOVED him, said a prayer and off Ryan and I were. We left him with our parents told them that we couldn't "hand" him back and that the caseworker would be here shortly to come and get him. Ryan and I went on a VERY LONG DRIVE!!! Let me just say, that was the worst night of our lives. Something I would never want to go through again. I knew that there was a reason for all of this and that there was a "bigger" plan that I was not aware of at the time. Ryan and I grew closer together in a way that we never thought we could. We couldn't sleep that night. We booked flights to go home, the next day, Sunday. We didn't want to stay a second longer there if we didn't have to. The next morning was a very quiet morning around the house. No one knew what to say. Ryan gave me a blessing to help me through this time and he was given one also. The spirit was so strong and I knew that we would get through this as long as we came together as a couple, and we did. Coming home was hard too. My cousins, thankfully had come and cleared out all the baby stuff and were at our door with Jamba juice when we got home. I was so grateful to them. The next couple of days we hung out at home. Every day got easier. We made a trip to babies R us to return the stuff we could...that was hard. I tried to keep myself busy with work and my mind off of adopting. I called my doctor and said, put me in for surgery as soon as you can. He did and I was in the folowing week. Surgery was rough, the recovery was rough. I have stage 3-4 (4 being the worst) endometriosis. Atleast, we now know the reason why I couldn't get pregnant. The month after surgery we started the infertility meds again, hoping for a pregnancy, but there wasn't. Our profile was still up on LDSFS and once again we were keeping our options open. We knew that the Lord had a plan for us and we were just trying to figure it out. He was leading us through this journey and carrying us through the rough times. I leaned on Him and Ryan A LOT. They both were my strength. I was grateful for my knowledge that I have of the gospel. It pulled me through and brought me to where I am at today.